The Friends You're Cutting Off Over Things You'll Never Actually Do Anything About
A friend recently told me, with the kind of finality usually reserved for breakups, that he had stopped speaking to his college roommate, and one of his best friends for the past twenty years. The reason was political. I asked him what, specifically, had changed. Not what his old roommate had said online, but what either of them had actually done about the issue in question over the past year.
He thought about it for a while. Then he changed the subject.
I have been thinking about that conversation ever since, because I do not think he is alone. We are living through a strange moment where people are willing to detonate decades of friendship over positions they hold strongly but act on almost not at all. And I want to suggest that before you do the same, you owe it to yourself to ask a harder question than "do we agree?"
The harder question is: what was this friendship actually built on in the first place?
Show Me Your Calendar
In Get Out of My Head, I wrote about a concept I called zero-based calendaring. The premise is simple. If you want to know what someone actually values, do not ask them. Look at where they spend their time. Show me your calendar, and I will show you your priorities.
The same logic applies to friendships. If you sit down and honestly map out the hours, days, and years you spent with someone, what was actually in those hours? Was it a shared political position? Almost certainly not. It was probably some combination of late nights in a dorm room, weddings and funerals you stood through together, kids who grew up calling each other cousins, inside jokes nobody else would understand, a hundred small acts of showing up when showing up was hard.
Then a thing happens in the news. A post is made. A position is taken. And suddenly all of that is on the table to be thrown out.
Before you throw it out, run the audit honestly. What percentage of the actual lived experience of that friendship was tied to the thing you now disagree on? For most people, if they are willing to be honest, the answer is close to zero.
The Value-Action Gap
There is a concept I keep returning to that Tim Ferriss puts well: "If learning was enough, we would all have six-pack abs." Knowing is not doing. Reading is not doing. Posting is not doing.
Most of the issues that are currently breaking friendships apart are issues that, for the people doing the breaking, occupy a vanishingly small share of their actual day-to-day life. They read about it. They post about it. They argue about it at dinner parties. But if you audited their calendar, the way I audit my own, you would find that less than one percent of their time, in actions rather than words, is spent doing anything at all about the issue in question.
Meanwhile, the other ninety-nine percent of their day, the part filled with raising kids, doing work, exercising, cooking dinner, calling their mother, showing up for the people in front of them — that part still looks remarkably similar to the calendar of the friend they are about to cut off.
This is the gap worth sitting with. If the thing you disagree on consumes less than one percent of either of your lives in actual action, and the other ninety-nine percent of how you both spend your days still aligns, what exactly are you torching the friendship over?
You are torching it over the talking, not the doing.
The Process Was the Friendship
I have written before about how, in almost every domain that matters, the process is the result. We tend to think of friendships the way we think of finish lines — the relationship is the thing we have, a possession, a status. But a friendship is not a thing you have. It is a thing you do. It is the accumulated process of two people choosing each other, in small ways, over a long time.
When you cut someone off, you are not just ending a relationship. You are deleting the process. You are deciding that the next twenty years of small choosings will not happen, and the previous twenty no longer count for what they were.
That is an enormous thing to trade for the brief dopamine hit of moral clarity.
"Someday" Is the Hole You Are Digging Now
Bonnie Ware, in The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, found that one of the most common deathbed regrets was losing touch with friends. Not arguing with friends. Not disagreeing with friends. Losing them. Letting the relationship slip away through inattention or, worse, through a cleanly justified decision that felt right at the time and felt empty later.
I am not saying everyone in your life deserves to stay in your life. Some relationships are genuinely corrosive. Some disagreements are not about issues at all but about character revealed, and character is worth taking seriously. There are people you should walk away from, and walking away is the right move.
But "this person voted differently than I did" is almost never that. "This person posted a take I found offensive" is almost never that. And the test for whether you are in the rare category that justifies the loss is not how strongly you feel in the moment. It is whether, a year from now, five years from now, on whatever your version of a deathbed turns out to be, you will look back at the hole this person used to fill and feel relief or regret.
A Different Question to Ask
Before you cut someone off, try this. Sit down with a piece of paper and write down every meaningful thing you have done together. Every trip, every dinner, every late-night conversation, every moment of being there when it counted. Then, on the same piece of paper, write down the things you actually do, in your daily life, in service of the issue that is now driving you apart. Not the things you read. Not the things you post. The things you do.
If the second list is meaningfully shorter than the first, you have your answer.
You do not have to agree with someone on everything to share a life with them. You probably do not even agree with yourself on everything, if you are honest about how your views have shifted over the years. The friends worth keeping are rarely the ones who match your current positions exactly. They are the ones whose actual lives, the calendar version, still rhyme with yours.
The rest is mostly noise. And noise, however loud it gets, is a strange thing to hand your relationships over to.











